The Conquest of Fament
By: Lord Chaos

Throughout history, conquerors have been the chroniclers. As the only literate person on the Black Knights, it has fallen to me to put finger to keyboard and generate electronic representations of letters, or more colloquially, to put cyber-pen to cyber-paper. The following is a true account of the Black Knight’s rise to dominance.


On the far off desert planet of Maverooine, a lone farm boy was contemplating vaperators, and joining the Academy to become a fighter pilot like the father who had abandoned him so many years ago, one Captain Zyrain. His name was Maverick, and his one trustworthy companion and friend on that planet was none other than Artemis, who some considered a vile peddler of smut, but who was actually a simple hedonist supporting a porn addiction. Hiring a seedy smuggler named Captncaveman, a mutant with enormous tufts of hair and a gift for foul-language, the duo escaped their desolation and set off on a journey that would lead them to high adventure.

Unbeknownst to this small group, on another planet, at the other side of the Galaxy were a trio of people who were idealists at heart but wore the mask of cynicism. They were members of a secret, covert, clandestine operation (shhhh…) meant to overthrow the reigning corporate structures, a vile conglomeration known as the Killbillies and Cementpond. This small strike force had managed to steal plans to an awesome battlestation these two corps, commonly known as Conglomerate, were constructing in low orbit around a moon that circled a planet in a system whose sector numbers cannot be posted due to ethical and legal difficulties. These brave souls held the names Dax the Hammer (known for his dancing abilities), Dstorm the Hauler (able to lift large things by the single pound), and Lord Chaos the Stealer (who later changed his name to escape a large bounty placed on his head by the deceitful Bajja the Ttuh but then changed it back because of peer pressure). All they needed was the manpower and dedication to make use of the hard-earned data.

That these two seeming disparate groups of people would join together in an attempt to free the universe seemed to be an impossible dream. Yea, and soon after combining their meager resources, the evil, rash, ill-tempered, sadistic, genocidal, patricidal, fratricidal, take-the-last-freezie-pop-sort- a-people…well, mean Conglomerate launched an offensive, scattering the newly formed Black Knights to the stellar winds. Not soon after, the aggressive Captncaveman met his doom in a battle against some thirty other people, 29 of whom he dispatched before succumbing. Was there no hope? Could there be a New Hope? Keeping these questions at the forefront of their minds, our brave heroes persevered, suffering scheduling difficulties, alignment difficulties, personality difficulties, non-appreciative CEO difficulties…until they met a young man who, while a child on the far flung planet of Dangit, had heard about the glorious feats the Black Knights had accomplished, and chose to take their name, honoring them with his very being. Thus it was that Black Knight one dark and seemingly dismal day fulfilled a life-long dream and joined the valiant corporation.

And yea the merchant freighters began to stream in, supporting the superhuman stealing efforts of Maverick, Artemis, and Lord Chaos, now called Goose but only temporarily. The word was money and the money was good. But did our saintly, nigh-perfect twarriors indulge in decadence and depravity with their newfound wealth? Of course they did, but they also kept their sights on the goal. Victory, and freedom for all! Yet still the setbacks came like a dam bursting forth. A sinister, amoral, make-comments-about-a-person’s-mother- type corporation, with members named for planets discovered early in man’s flight to the stars, continually pummeled the non-self-aggrandizing Black Knights, harassing other innocent corporations, forcing a once proud group known as the Jamrock Posse to seek shelter under the Conglomerate’s leathery wing. These rogues, thank The Everly Brothers and/or the Right Brothers (whichever one wrote “You Lost That Loving Feeling”), mercifully did not limit their onslaught to the brave resistance fighters, and equally disrupted the Conglomerate’s normal operations until one day…they just disappeared. Where did they go? Some say they had made enough money to buy a planet at the Galaxy’s edge, and now live the lives of quiet farmers, tending to livestock and feeding horses. We may never know.

A lull seemed to suddenly settle over the Galaxy, and attention was then paid to the various warring alien factions, the Gorn, the Arachnid, and the forever-annoying Ferrengi. Stardock itself changed hands. Traders did well to keep to their bubbles, not straying too far outside their known space. Among those who survived these trying and desperate times was the infamous, yet disturbingly non-aggressive Zoobar, from the nomadic tribe the Rogue Nation, and Adomma, fearless leader of a rag tag group of…well, you know that story. The Black Knights took this time to marshal their forces, waiting for the right time to strike. And then the day came…

The Black Knights received word that Grannie herself would be stepping foot on the battlestation, and that a well planned, if horribly executed, strike may well end the Conglomerate’s hold over the universe forever. The Black Knights assembled. Their faces were grave with knowledge of this all or nothing effort they were about to put forth. Unafraid, they dove into the fray. At first it was just Red Squadron, then Black Knight arrived, as though plucked exactly from “Sorry-I-Over-Slept,” a little known area of hyperspace. Taking losses equivalent to what they expected, indeed, what they planned for, the former underdogs managed to rip a hole down the body of the Conglomerate. And inside the carcass, they found the twisted remains of the Jamrock Posse, whom they quickly and compassionately disposed of with post-haste and speed.

Ascendancy was at hand. Now our group only need reestablish order among the few remaining groups left to secure a balance, to restore order, to bring freedom to a once oppressed universe. Zoobar remained as the one and only hold-out, seeking to subvert glory and good-taste by resisting the Black Knights, taunting them with his very presence. What were our heroes to do? Their resources low, spirits spent, they managed to reach down and grasp that very last bit of motivation and strength, and, indeed, rallied to eliminate the last and only threat. Zoobar was dead. A silly ewok song played across cyberspace.

Digest Version, Compiled from the Chaos History,

Just kidding, folks. A great game, and we Black Knights bow humbly to Cruncher, Jake, Macahan, Queen, Hobbs, Renegade, Talara, Jfk, Jason, Bob Hovey, Havok, Bladerunner, Taipan, Snakey, Zoobar, and everyone else in the game. That was a lot of fun!

Any resemblance or similarities with any productions associated with Lucas Arts, or Lucas Art’s productions is purely coincidental. The names and characters of those involved have not been changed because the families involved probably won’t read this.