Tradewar.org's Stories
Attached are three txt files containing the poetic trilogy of the saga of Valhalya ala Willie. It is the story of three games in which a fellow by the name of Willie was battled by a team of older players on The Canton Connection BBS's galacticom version of Tradewars 2002. I submit these for posting in your stories section. (These games took place in the first half of 1996.)
The Ballad of [Valhalya](mailto:dmorgan@cannet.com) ala Willie
'Twas the eve of the Eve
Of the Day of St. Pat,
When the great conflagration
Killed Willie the gnat.
Will said they were warriors...
Turned out more like fleas...
Slick Willie found out
Old farts sting like bees.
The moths they went flitting
To most certain doom,
Yet opened the sector
To be Willie's tomb.
His cannon proved useless,
His fighters a wreck,
One crazed Navigator
Was the PAIN in Will's neck.
He'd already suffered
The bite of our snake,
So we gave him a Wedgie
To seal his heartbreak.
The finale came slowly
As that shithead Buck
Evicted Will's ships
And shot them like ducks.
His planet now wasted,
His warriors not safe,
Not even Newt Gingrich
Would care for this waif.
All that was left
Was to mine the remains
So Medusa and $^%)(8^$^~!`
Could build their domains.
'Tis a story made sadder
Because it is true:
Will's impulsiveness brought
This day he would rue.
I tell you, brave traders,
Take it slow and do scans,
Or you, like dead Willie,
Will just sit on your hands!
[ Part 3: "Attached Text" ]
The Ballad of Valhalya ala Willie
The Sequel
Game Two began
Much like Game One,
Only Willie made sure
Irish joined his fun.
Two more Will recruited
To second-class station:
Good enough for Will's bidding
But could not join his nation.
Willie used these two --
Arctic and DJay
To do Will's dirt
By night and by day.
Too bad they had not
Enough nerve to stop it.
But one cannot expect more
Of merely a puppet.
Soon clone after clone
Appeared in Will's sky.
He was right now certain
Old Farts would die.
Willie had a plan
He had bragged one day.
And he was THE MAN,
In every way.
The Old Farts, now stronger,
Awaited this scourge
Knowing full well
Willie danced their dirge.
They watched in amazement
And with open eye
As Will and the clones
Astro-bated in the sky.
Some clones got a warning
Of danger impending:
Accounts would be frozen;
Their fun would be ending.
So will changed his tactics,
And placed all his assets
In accounts that he paid for ---
His own Easter baskets.
Then came the attacks
That sent Old farts reeling.
Will shouted he'd killed them
And bounced off his ceiling!
Indeed, it looked dismal
For more than a week
As Old Farts gazed out
Somewhat dazed and most bleak.
Will next took Alliance
And gave them a fright.
O'er all of the sky
Will appeared like a blight.
Still, the Old Farts knew
It would only take time
Before Will and the clones
Crossed over that line.
The "step" it would take
Would be one too far.
Will's fatal errors
Would end this war.
Will thought his foes
Had shot their wad,
So made his password
UPYOURS, by God!
But once again
That shithead Buck
Relied on thinking
More than luck.
Buck bribed a Trader,
Grimy and old,
To get Will's word
And act swift and bold.
Buck ran his idea
Past C.E.O. Luke
Who said he thought sure
Little Willie would puke.
Karlovy and Minnie would wait
Right outside
While only two real folks
Turned Willie's tide.
Buck joined Will's corp
And took Will's stuff.
Then he and Hajduk
Called Will's bluff.
Willie fumed and fussed
And called them all cheats,
But the marks on Will's back
Came from Irish cleats.
For lo, his partner
Had done Will in.
Another stupid move
Brought Will down again.
Little boys with brains
Smaller than their balls
Wrote things they shouldn't
On underground walls.
"It won't happen."
Willie once had said.
"Never take my planet,"
Stated Will....now dead.
Old Farts took his planets ---
Not just one, but three ---
And laughed at Will
As he began his pleas:
"Make sure we reset
On May first
Or even sooner
Before I get the worst."
It's funny how
Just the day before
Willie moved his stuff
Though, he said, 'twas a bore.
Said he'd lost all interest
In the present game.
He claimed he'd won,
Master was his name.
He got a reminder
Of revelry premature
When those Old Farts
Took it ALL....fersure!
Young Willie and clones
Had moved fast and each hour.
They'd come on strong
Never thinking they'd sour.
The Old Farts moved slower
And took several hits,
But their staying power
Really gave Willie fits.
And so, brave traders,
This truth still rings:
It ain't close to over
'Til the fat lady sings!
Part III:
The Ballad of Valhalya ala Willie
Completion of the Trilogy
Game Three was no game
Just merely a lark
To bring light to Will
Get him out of the dark.
You see, he'd been making
Four million a day
Astro-bating with Irish
Every step of the way.
Unlimited funds were the way
He would beat them.
He played a bug.....
To win, he would cheat them!
Will lied to his buds,
Said he didn't make money,
Just did it for points,
Though most thought it funny.....
That day after day
Will and Irish had at it ---
Two buggers at play,
Never thinking we'd get it.
Meanwhile in the sky,
The game opened to Kat,
Scarcely more than Will's clone
If she even was that.
Kat flew around blind
Just killing off fighters.
In forums she raved!
It was fun to ignite her.
She could not imagine
How her boys could be beat.
Do you think she knew
They did nothing but cheat?
NurseNancy or Sunshine,
Whatever her name,
Confused the boys
As they searched the game.....
Trying to find her,
Though she wasn't there.
She just sat at the menu
And got in their hair.
Most of the folks
Were tiring of Will.
Even Chaos the Sysop
Had told him to chill.
But Will kept it up.....
Gosh, what a man!
He just played with Irish
And then washed his hand.
Will thought he'd catch Old Farts
Sooner or later.
Instead he showed he was
TWar's great Astro-bater.
Two boys and the sidekick
named Kat.....Oh WOW!
They also had lawyers ---
Dewey, Cheetam, and Howe.
Will threatened a lawsuit
If given limited play.
Some offered Will money
If HE'd go away.
Poor Willie was doomed
When he cheated to win.
In the game TWar Rummy,
T C C just said "Gin!"
The bug has been fixed
And the rules make it plain.....
No buggers allowed.
Will can't do it again.
Now he'll have to play
If he has the nerve.
While Will Astro-bated,
Others sharpened their verve.
Remember, brave traders,
It's only a game.
Have fun, and enjoy,
For to cheat is your shame!
David dmorgan@cannet.com