Two days ago marked the 3 year anniversary of Tradewars.org! Unfortunatelly, my DSL died on the same day. This year, I decided to go through the archives and post some of my best stuff. Here it is! [Past April Fools](/post/144) [The Long Lost "You Suck!" Awards](https://web.archive.org/web/20010222112231/https://www.cris.com/~joel1/tw/specials/parody.shtml) On a more ironic note, congratulations to [EleqTrizi'T](/)and Monica who are getting married today!

Pranks - Old April Fools **Saturday, April 1, 2000** **Tradewars.org to cease operations** by [mk](mailto:mk@tradewars.org) This has been a while coming. As of next thursday, April 6th, Tradewars.org will cease operations. I'm sure you are all asking, "What are you doing! Stop messing with our minds, man!" The truth of the matter is that I lead two lives. "Joel Gonzales" who attends college at the University of Louisiana is my pseudonym. He doesn't exist. My real name is Steve Burns. I host [Blue's Clues](https://web.archive.org/web/20000000000000*/https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blue%27s_Clues), which can be seen five days a week on Nick Jr. I used the other name simply as a cover as I like my privacy. Now on to the reason I'm quitting: as it stands, one Blue's Clues episode takes five months of work to complete. (Multiple episodes are done at the same time) However, my role in each episode will be increasing and I no longer have the time to run this site. On the left is a picture I sent to Cruncher. On the right is a picture of myself. It's surprising no one has sent me an email saying, "You look like that guy from Blue's Clues!" Maybe it's because I'm wearing a hat. <img src="/static/img/manak.jpg"> <img src="/static/img/steve.jpg"> Next, I will be selling the tradewars.org domain for $75 (The price I paid for it) under the following conditions: a) [The Home Sector](/) is unaffected b) I keep the mk@tradewars.org email address If you are interested, contact me. Lastly, I'll be making my goodbyes on Thursday. **October 1, 1998** **April fools comes six months early!** I originally wanted to post these Thursday, but my C++ Compiler and my car had other plans. I therefore submit to you, these parodies: **Nik to Sue Himself** In breaking news today, Nik has announced that he will be suing himself. "I caught myself saying, '[Attac suxs](https://web.archive.org/web/20000000000000*/https://www.tradewars.org/quotes.shtml),' and if anyone should be suing this person, it should be me." Will Smith, Nik's lawyer, has said to TWWU that, "This is a remarkable case that I think that has the potential of creating new paradigms in how law is done." With the expected money Nik is expecting to make with this case, he's told us that he's already making plans to port ATTAC to Machine Language. "I plan to forgo the limitations of Visual Basic, and intend to port ATTAC straight to Machine Language. This should cut the size of ATTAC from 7 Megs to 6, and is going to be made a reality by this impending lawsuit." **Human Population to evolve before TWE's release** Recent studies have given an interesting turn to TWEnhancer's development. The studies states that the Human population will evolve to a higher state of being before TWEnhancer will be released. "Even though humans will be living in a state of pure energy, I will still try to release TWEnhancer in case any would be aliens ever find out about Tradewars and need a good helper. That way, those Aliens would elevate me to god status, and then I'd make $$$ for the registrations." said Saluki. Saluki Enterprises is an invester in TWWU. **Nik's 2002 Web Heaven Blasted.... Literally** Late last night, Nik's 2002 Web Heaven's server was blasted by a Nuclear Missle. Fortunatelly, Both Nik and Earth had left 1 hour prior to the Missle's impact. The IP header retrieved on the Missle points to a band of Gypsies living in the country of Azi, located in North America. Ricardo Gin, the leader of Azi, has said, "This is absurd that we're being pointed to for this Attac. If we sent out this missle, it obviously would have been while Nik would have been AT the site! Think about it people!" Further investigations are being planned. **Wedsday, April 1st, 2014** > **New Bug in HVS TW2032** > A new Bug has just been found in the latest Version of HVS's Virtual Reality (VR) Port of Tradewars 2032. The bug seems to open a dimentional rift to the year 1998. Right now, I can see Mana Knight, our owner, sitting down doing nothing! ARGH. HVS says this bug will be fixed in the next fix-pack. > **Colonists take over Family Entertainemnt for Oysters** > Colonists on [Family Entertainment](https://web.archive.org/web/20000000000000*/https://www.fament.com/) have taken over FamEnt's server as a result of a lack of Oysters. > > **"Without Oysters, how can we reporduce? You have to realize that Reproduction in the data realm is not pleasent. Why make us suffer?"** said Terra Ferrengal, the leader of the colonist revolt. > > **"Unfortunatelly, I have to side with them this time. While I normally would prevent this outrage, they're Riot has a good cause. If you want to blame anyone, blame Cruncher for giving them this idea."** Commented Captain Zyrian, Fament's chief of Police. > > This is just one of the many problems Fament has had with it's Tradewars game ever since it went self-aware late last year. > > **HVS Buys out Microsoft** > > In an unpresidented move, High Velocity Software (Nasdaq HVS) has bought out Microsoft Corporation. This follows Martech's Aquisition of [Electronic Arts](https://web.archive.org/web/20000000000000*/https://www.ea.com/) last month, and [The Home Sector](/) 's buyout of Nintendo last year. > > > **"Thanks to extrememly high sales our VR Port of Tradewars 2032, this buyout of Microsoft was possible."** said president Jeff Morinartery. > > The new name will be HVS-Soft and its new slogan is already slated to be "Where do you want to (blind) T-warp today?" HVS's stock jumped 16 to 666 points at Nasdaq's close today. > > **Hell has frozen over** > > TSIA. (Title Says it all.) [The Home Sector](/). has stayed at the same internet provider for 16 years. > > **Betty Ford Clinic Opens offical TW Rehab Center** > > Today, the Betty Ford Clinic Officially opened it's TW Rehab wing. This wing is meant for serious Tradewars players who constantly need an influx of their favorite game every few hours to survive. > > The cases of TW Addiction have been constantly rising ever since the first person diagnosed with this disease, Cruncher, was treated in 1998. The Recent Spectacular sales of Tradewars 2032 and the VR Port of Tradewars 2032 done by HVS have elevated this problem to the point of causing global economic colapse. We'll keep you updated on further events.

If any of you read egroups you will see the race is on to see who can bang the most games in a week. Now the long standing title has always been held my Timberwolf but closing the gap is River Rat. So now you can go to the Timberland or the Swamp and TW yourself to death! And a BIG TW Welcome to Intergate..our long lost child has returned to the fold! Stop by and see what is going on there...just beware you don't get a "Crunch" take out of you... WORD OF THE DAY - Today's word is once again from the TW archieves of Lord Chaos' vast collection..... DISCO'D - Disconnected at an inopportune moment, bad timing or as in a John Travolta dance Step. YOUR CORDIALLY INVITED!!!! - If you don't already know Eleq is getting married! He is taking down his server starting Thursday night and will bring it back up the following Thursday when he returns from his Honeymoon. Now for the good news...Eleq feels so bad that he has to take down the server that he wants all of us to join him on his honeymoon! Since none of us will have anything to do with the server being down...he felt it was the least he could offer. Contact Eleq at the Honeymoon Suite in Vegas and let him know if you will be joining him and Monica for the Honeymoon. All reservations must be into Eleq no later then Wednesday Evening. WORD OF THE DAY! - Today's word of the day is a combined effort of Lady Ice and Lord Chaos. SELF-HAZARDIZATION...Running in to a Level 3 or above planet and blowing ones self to pieces..Example: Morpheus should have stopped for that RED light!

The AOL Dupers monthly meeting will be held this Saturday at the Den. Bring all your names and party like is 1999! All AOL Dupers are encouraged to come and mingle with your fellow dupers! Refreshments will be served at Stardock! WORD OF THE DAY - Today's word is REVERSED POLARITY which refers to a Blue who attacks another Blue in an ISS and goes Red. Example: Guardian did the cross dressing ..oops cross over today when he attacked and killed Space Ghost. The word of the day was once again submitted by Lord Chaos!

I was sworn not to tell anyone where Mana has been hiding. But...damn those bamboo shoots under the nails start to hurt after awhile! So I am here to tell you that Mana is off at Tradewar University taking a remedial course in port trading! He flunked out the first week for not haggling but now I have word that he is 5th in his class out of a class of five! Way to Go Mana! Hurry back and share your expertise with all of us! NOW...let's see what else is brewing around the TW Universe... Hekate has a job posting in Egroups. I have looked over her classified and the benefits are outstanding. That corporation sure knows how to take care of its own. I believe the new uniforms she ordered are quite striking also! For those of you out there who don't know Eleq is trading in his bachlorhood on August 12th. He will be marrying the very beautiful Monica...boy did he get the better end of that deal.. J/K...Much happiness to you both. WTC is still going...like that energizer bunny...hope someone kills that bunny soon! BOTE is pretty much dominated by the BAD BAD PEOPLE! Then of course Bad People usually do dominate... Over in the Timberland we believe the 52nd game of the week has been rebanged at the Den! There is surely something for everyone over there. I will be posting for a while...until Mana graduates from port trading class.

On the request of Earth, I've taken down "Spam ATTAC" from the [Articles](https://web.archive.org/web/20000000000000*/https://www.tradewars.org/articles.shtml) section. The article dealt with issues that no longer matter. Also, the person who threated to sue me two years ago (Nic) over that article hasn't been part of the ATTAC team for about 18 months. You mean I'm supposed to FIX this stuff? In a nutshell, here's what happened: 1) [That project](https://web.archive.org/web/20000000000000*/https://www.tradewars.org/class) I'm working on is put in the tradewars.org Directory 2) While fixing the problem, the backups of this site get deleted 3) I start to recode the page, but don't finish before I leave for vacation 4) Can't FTP while I'm on vacation. (computer was behind a firewall?) 5) recode the main page... AGAIN. Still have to fix the colors So what else do I have to say? Hulk SMASH! Then Hulk Sleep. Hulk tired from projects for [Evil Lady.](https://web.archive.org/web/20000000000000*/https://home.att.net/%7Eeugeniapb/) Hulk thank [Linux Guy](https://web.archive.org/web/20000000000000*/https://www.intergate.cx/) for help!

Quick note about the below post: It was done by Barbra "Bad Girl" Cruz. That's right, Bad Girl now has the rights to post here, which means that if [someone](https://web.archive.org/web/20000000000000*/https://www.webcntrl.com/timberwolf/index.htm) were to make accusations, they might want to check who is actually making the post first. Right? Right??? Barb says she won't be posting much because she is computer illiterate. This ends up not making much since since she can pilot an ISS fine, but can't figure out how to put a subject line on her posts? In any case, [Working Designs](https://web.archive.org/web/20000000000000*/https://www.workingdesigns.com/) has released [Vanguard Bandits](https://web.archive.org/web/20000000000000*/https://www.dailyradar.com/reviews/game_review_775.html). So if you'll excuse me...

CLASSIFIED AD: Help wanted. If your a blue and have your own transportation and you can spell the word R-E-F-U-R-B and the hours are not flexible and you must be able to roll over and beg on command. Then this is an opportunity you can't pass up! Call 1-800-Black Knights and ask for the CEO or Wingman only serious inquiries, must be able to start immediately.

-= Barefoot =- First Name : Jesus When did you start Playing Tradewars : About 3 weeks ago How Long have you Played Tradewars : I've been complaining about it for about a year, but didn't start playing religiously (No pun intended) till last week. Alias Used in the Game : -= Barefoot =- How I Choose my Alias : I've always been a big fan of the Monster Truck Rally. I also really like the Monster Truck called Bigfoot. I chose a name slightly diffrent from that truck's because the messiah of Tradewars should have a unique name, shouldn't he? Are You a Member of any Group in TW : I am currently working with GrazHoppa's corp. She's giving me inside tips on how to beat dupers and cheaters on their own terms. Helpers / Programs Used : Helpers? What are those? Awards / Recognition Received Best Overall Player -- Barefoot's Awards Best Blue Player -- Barefoot's Awards Best Hunter -- Barefoot's Awards Rankings of Rex Guardian's Rankings : Too good to be ranked Epicenter's Rankings : Too good to be ranked Best Game / Tournament you ever played in : Best Tournament is the one I'm playing now at Klock.com! It's Klock's "Universal Battle of the Best." (UBOB for short) This tournament is so good, the Black Knights, Dominance! Enterprises, and Boo! Inc. were all too scared to play. It's not over yet, but now that 2 of my 3 class M planets have reached Level 2, I'm well on my way to becoming the galactic power. How you Play Good : I kill evil. Cause... that's what Good people do. I try to get a lot of the other Goods to go to church with me on sundays, but they usually say that they're too busy. I pod them after they say that. How you Play Evil : I don't play Evil. I'm the messiah, duh. How am I supposed to lead my people to the promised land when I can steal almost...unlimited amounts of money...from...faceless ports? Um, excuse me. (slam) BBS/Servers that you like the Most: Klock.com. Nowhere else is worthy of my presence. Your feelings on being a player or CEO in games Being the messiah and all, I'm always put as CEO. They say it's because I can strike the fear of God into my opponents... or something like that. What influenced your style of play or helped you become the great player that you are I suppose being the son of God helps out a bit. But really, it's due to my keen intuition and ability to smell out pagan religions that help the most. Trick or Suggestion can you give to help other TW players: There's a very simple trick to staying alive: Join me or my minions will destroy you and your first born. Your best TW moment or Disaster : My best Moment is yet to come. The day SST is destroyed will be coming, prepare yourself now evils! The day when evils can get infinite amounts of...moneys... *ahem* (Note to self: Work on resisting temptation) will be coming to a close. Because when you do the crime, you do the time! Anything else you might want to add : I'd like to give out some mad props to Satan. Some people may think he's a bad guy, but he's just rough around the edges. I'm pouring a 40 out here on the sidewalk for your defeat in the WTC. It also goes out to his teammates Bad Girl, Hellbitch, Atog, Mirkath, and Peacemaker. "If you do the crime, do the time! Quote from -= Barefoot =- about -= Barefoot =-

Since I wasn't at my apartment this weekend, I took the liberty of bringing my dreamcast so I could check my mail. Bad idea. My thanks to everyone on [Egroups](https://web.archive.org/web/20000000000000*/https://www.egoups.com/list/tw2002). My Dreamcast was chugging along fine until It realized I had 200 messages in my mailbox **all from egroups.** Then my DC started spitting out smoke in an effort to stay alive. Instead of staying out partying saturday night, I had to feed chicken soup to my DC to help nurse it back to health. So let me say it, **THANKS GUYS**.